My new song 'Krila leptira'

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1. Emrah20,

Here in Tearoom, I'd like to post My new song here. I think, that Tearoom topic is good place for this. I appreciate a good idea, how to improve It.
This song is in English, Slovak and Serbo-Croatian. I am interested about Serbo-croatian languages and I would like to know, which lyrics will be better for refrain. Maybe I'll record new version of this song.
Here is the link.

счёт: -1

2. Quintin-D,

Hello Mr 20, I have listened to your song, and here are my personal takes. Please note that the only language I speak is English, so I will not be able to analyze the parts in the foreign language/languages.
Point 1: The words being said in the intro of the song are not clear. This could be seen as something positive as it leaves the listener in a state of confusion, therefore increasing their attention towards the song. However, it does not leave a good first impression as some are more likely to click off the song, thinking that the rest of the song will be equally as unintelligible.
Point 2: At 00:42, you say the words "For this girl, because I love her... I don't know why I love her." This is a powerful statement that shows the nuances of love and how certain emotions can't be explained, only felt. What could possibly confuse the listener is the proceeding line which goes as follows: "Because maybe of his behavior." This raises a few questions:
Who is he?
Is he she?
Is she he?
Did she become he at some point? I believe this is the most likely scenario when you take into account the rising acceptance of LGBTQ+ communities in society. If this is the case, this form of gender inclusivity is something that should be acknowledged and praised. I only wish that it was framed in a clearer way to make sure that more listeners caught this lyrical masterpiece.
Point 3: At the timestamp 00:59, we are bombarded by a volley of unintelligible words. I will admit, this drew my attention to the song and made me say, "What?" If this was your intention, very well played, sir (assuming the gender you identify as is male). If this was not intentional, I would suggest carefully constructing alternative lyrics for this timeslot with a bit more meaning and emotion to captivate a greater audience. This is the transition to the first minute of the song after all. If this, in fact, is not English, I apologize. I assumed that the language being spoken through those mumbles was English because the lyrics before and after were in English as well. It is also very possible that these were hidden subliminal messages in a language that I do not comprehend.
Point 4: I do not speak any other language other than English, so I shall not make any remarks on the lyrics in the foreign language being sung "For this girl." I am, however, very taken aback by the differences in the timbre of your voice when singing in the different languages. I do not know if this is a result of the pitch correction software that was utilized or your vocal technique, but it is something quite interesting.
Point 5: At 01:55, I think there was an error or glitch in the pitch correction software being used. The lack of pitch correction is quite jarring for the listener when it is presented so suddenly without prior warning. The same mistake was repeated at 03:43, possibly indicating a copy and paste of the section. I would advise rectifying the first mistake and pasting the corrected result in the place of the second mistake.
Overall, the song was an interesting sonic journey. I believe that with a bit of polishing and structuring, the English sections can sound better than what they currently are. The exploration of gender nuances in society was a pleasant surprise, and I believe should be made slightly clearer to listeners.
Keep it up, buddy.

счёт: +4

3. aayushi,

I loved it though I also didn't understand some parts of the song. btw I love the music it was overall good.

счёт: +1

4. Emrah20,

Thanks folks. Maybe I'll record better version on the future. I'd like to know opinion about My lyrics in Serbo-Croatian from people, who can speak those languages. I appreciate now Your opinions.

счёт: +0

5. Destranis,

QuintinD sorry but this message looks a looot like chat gpt. I believe you wrote it yourself but it's very strange either ways.

счёт: +0

6. Emrah20,

No everybody is English native speaker here.
Due to this, that I do misstakes too, I love such people to control Me ETC.

счёт: +1

Последнее изменение Emrah20, 13.12.2023 22:32:36

7. Radiant,

if you were trying out free style, possibly after a drink or 2, it kind of worked.

счёт: +1

8. MuhammadHajjar,

One of the positive aspects that caught my attention and feelings is the melody. Truly, if you are the one who came up with it then very well done, I love this kind of impactful melodies. The only note I'll mention here is the synchronization of the vocals with the rhythm, where I feel that there's a slight difference of few miliseconds. If it was mixed more synchronously, the rhythm would become more aligned with the vocals.
Other than that, through the melody alone, you managed to convey your emotions which is commendable, let alone the lyrics.

счёт: +1

9. Emrah20,

Thank You Muhammad for this answer.
Music is created by me and I've got inspiration from some balkan music. But, melody was composed by me. Ofcourse about lyrics, strophes are bad and refrain may be OK. But I don't know, if It is good in Serbo-Croatian (I think on refrain).

счёт: +0

10. MuhammadHajjar,

Then good job on this, I really liked it. If you can recommend me more similar songs to listen to even in Slovak, then I'd really like to explore this type of music.

счёт: +1

11. Vojvoda,

To be honest I have no idea what you are saying in the chorus. Imaš nežno telo, kao krila leptira, zbot tebe moje srce se, and then No clue what you said. And then then second part says:
Ali mene moja duša boli, to što samo tebe volim, sad ja samo tebe volim. It sounds as if you are making a parody and throwing some random words. When you write a song you have to put a meaning in every single verse, just a small tipp.
The instrumental at the beginning and between verses is actually very nice, but I don't know why did you put those funny vocals and rap, when you put it all together it really does sound like you're making a parody.

счёт: +3

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