1. LaraStardust, Oct 26 2015 00:27:49

hello peeps
so I think its about time we all have a good laugh
so here is the thread to post your jokes, from the good, the bad to the dam right iwwww.
please post the jokes in english and please remember, there are under 17's, no sexual, pornographic or racial jokes, please!

my first rubbish one:
how do monkeys make toast?
they put it under the garilla!
bwahahahahahahahaha!

2. Princess_Ozma, Oct 28 2015 12:20:53

I'm not sure I follow that joke about the monkeys. A Mexican magician said he was going to disappear after he counted to three. So he counted, uno, dos... but before he could finish, he disappeared without a trace.

3. Riad, Oct 28 2015 21:42:10

Lol people who speak Spanish can differenciate between trace and tres=3, nice one.

4. out_and_about , Oct 28 2015 23:51:09

"trece"= therteen, 13. "tres"=three, 3.

5. Exink, Oct 29 2015 02:01:54

Really I didn't get the sense of the last one hahaha, but I imagine it's good... Haha.

6. Epic_Krrish, Oct 29 2015 02:53:22

lols...

7. basket, Oct 29 2015 03:25:19

The monkey joke made no sense.

8. Exink, Oct 29 2015 03:35:27

ha ha ha haha! I got it! If you say "trace" and "3" in spanish it's almost the same thing :LL.

9. CathyAnne, Oct 29 2015 11:38:22

Well here's one.
A boy went to send a telograph to his dad when he was in college. No mun, no fun, your son. The dad sent one back that said too bad, so sad, your dad.

10. YNWA, Oct 29 2015 11:50:46

I can understand your joke Dardar. What we call grilling Americans call broiling. It just shows another example of the difference in the use of the English language.

11. out_and_about , Oct 29 2015 20:21:10

The same 3 and 13? Even if you talk about phonetic aspect, it doesn't make sence...I am talking about spanish of corse.

12. Exink, Oct 29 2015 21:07:18

No no no, please read carefully and you'll find that it's trace, nor thirteen or something like that; nothing to do.

13. dementress , Oct 30 2015 00:16:49

If you listen treace using eloquence in english it sounds like 3. There. :D

14. Exink, Oct 30 2015 00:25:11

Haha exactly Naday, that's the point, although she didn't get it yet.

15. dementress , Oct 30 2015 00:44:19

Neither I did at first, but then I read Riad's comment.

16. out_and_about , Oct 30 2015 00:53:36

In fact, i had to read it letter by letter, I understood "tres"! just because i am reading with eloquence in english. Only by reading the following message, i knew that in fact was the word "trece" and not "tres". I wrote the equivalent of these words because i thought that he was asking for that. But if you read carefully the two words with the english eloquence, there is in fact a diferent in vowel sounds... "trece" is pronounced with vowel sound number 1, while "tres" is number 2. I am not sure if that is the way while native speakers recognize vowel sounds in this way, but i don't know how to transcribe them in the computer so that everyone can understand me.
Note: I am using eloquence in british english.

17. Epic_Krrish, Oct 30 2015 01:06:39

an old person walks up to me at a wedding and says “You’re next” hmm and i said i will think over it. later in the year i had to attend a funeral and some how i bumped on to the same old person and stupid me I asked him the same question "you will be next?"

18. basket, Oct 30 2015 02:50:41

lol, good one

19. LaraStardust, Oct 30 2015 03:28:57

lmaooo
and my monkey joke so does make sense!
garilla. grill, ah?
no? mrumph

20. The-white-dove, Oct 30 2015 15:47:35

A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said: - For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

The wife answered: - Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.'

- I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years old.

21. LaraStardust, Oct 30 2015 18:03:51

omfg lmaoooooo!

22. Mayana, Oct 31 2015 11:08:25

Ok, 1 from me:
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

23. LaraStardust, Oct 31 2015 18:27:25

lol? just lol

24. MuhammadHajjar, Oct 31 2015 19:38:15

Rofl, and rofl, and rofl, really nice joks lol.

25. Mayana, Oct 31 2015 21:07:15

Might be useful for cat and dog owners. maybe.

How to give a pill to a cat?

1. Pick the cat up and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it, allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from the foil wrap. Make note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered 'Dolton' figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
6. Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to partners forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed and get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with elastic band.
7. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road and apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed and pry cat's mouth open with a small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash down pill.
8. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to the Emergency Room and sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
9. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

How to give a pill to a dog?
Throw it in the air. Say "Catch!"

26. LaraStardust, Oct 31 2015 22:03:36

ohmygod lmaolmaolmaolmao

my wife told me to dry the dog after its bath, totally ruined the microwave

27. afrim, Oct 31 2015 22:29:13

Two policemen were hiking late at night in the city, as a good way to kill the time of their shift. Suddenly, one of them notices three grenades in a narrow canal, and tells his friend to send them to their boss. They agree and start taking them away from the canal. The first one says, “ take them Carefully mate, because anyone of them could explode.” The other one answered, “What’s wrong with that? We’ll tell the boss we found two, not three.”

28. Mayana, Nov 1 2015 08:47:40

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

29. LaraStardust, Nov 2 2015 00:00:57

now that, i friggen like

30. The-white-dove, Nov 2 2015 11:35:29

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase, no commendation, and that the Company is not doing anything about it. So he decided to walk up to His HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying: - My friend, you have not worked here for even
one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager: - How many days are there in a year?
Man: - 365 days and some times 366

Manager: - how many hours make up a day?
Man: - 24 hours

Manager: - How long do you work in a day?
Man: - 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager: - So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
The man did some arithmetic and said: - 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3 (one third)

Manager: - That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man: - 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager: - Do you come to work on weekends?
Man: - No sir

Manager: - How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man: - 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager: - Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man: - 18 days.

Manager: - OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man: - 4 days

Manager: - Do you work on New Year day?
Man: - No sir!

Manager: - Do you come to work on workers day?
Man: - No sir!

Manager: - So how many days are left?
Man: - 2 days sir!

Manager: - Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man: - No sir!

Manager: - So how many days are left?
Man: - 1 day sir!

Manager: - Do you work on Christmas day?
Man: - No sir!

Manager: - So how many days are left?
Man: - None sir!

Manager: - So, what are you claiming?
Man: - I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.